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marketing spanking paddle image

Get marketing… or else!

Yup. The ol’ “carrot and stick” approach can work… but I find the Spanking Paddle to be far, far more effective.

See, just to follow on from yesterday’s “write a €1,000 cheque to someone you hate” tip, I’d like to share with you the comment one of the Inner Circle Members, Sarah Dougan, made in response to it AND the guy who posed the original question:

Hello X

Welcome to the group!

Here’s a candid response. Prior to joining the Business Supremacy group, I hired a number of marketing and business development consultants who ‘fleeced’ me. They were greedy, unscrupulous and incompetent.

Such was the nastiness of the experience, that when I meet anyone who’s a ‘marketing / business development guru’, my natural instinct is to stick a crucifix in their face and munch a clove of garlic. I regard them as a bunch of vampires who suck the contents of bank accounts and leave their victims feeling drained and embittered.

The email from your coach triggered alarm bells for the reasons cited by others as well as my own experience. Your coach may be the genuine article; but I can’t say I was impressed by the quality of his pitch.

When Jon sent emails inviting me to join the group, my initial reaction was, ‘here we go again’. I decided to place the cynicism aside and give him the benefit of the doubt as his emails were compelling, he came across as a decent chap and his monthly fee is extremely low risk. So I joined the group.

Result: it’s the best business investment I’ve made.

Here’s a quick example. A few weeks ago, I took part in one of the teleconference calls and I made a throwaway remark about a recent incident in my business. Jon and the others advised me to write a press release about the incident. Jon also threatened to run after me with a ‘spanking paddle’ (if in doubt, have a peek at some of the items in his sex toys shop) if I didn’t take action…

Dreadful images of me, Baldy and a great big spanking paddle (as well as looking daft in front of other group members) prompted action that delivered results. I’ve now been invited to speak at an international conference hosted by the MoD, the Cabinet Office, GCHQ and ‘captains of industry’ about how e-learning can be used as a countermeasure to the risk of fraud and computer-related crime. The audience will include directors from international police, law enforcement and security agencies.

Jon’s challenge worked with me and helped me tackle a tendency to put things off. If I were you, I wouldn’t hesitate in accepting his offer and encouragement to take action. And if you require names of some absolutely vile characters who may be eligible for the 1000 euros, I’ll happily supply the details of the marketing consultants who fleeced me…

Good luck!

Sarah Dougan, http://www.esecurityexchange.com

Now, this was completely unsolicited. But it’s a pretty awesome testimonial, even if I say so myself.

OK, let me be frank about something: I can’t promise you the same opportunity Sarah had in her business (I didn’t create it — I just spotted it for her); and I can’t promise to come after you with a spanking paddle, no matter how naughty you are or how nicely you ask me.

But what I can promise is this: when you join me and the other Members in the Inner Circle you’re getting access to some pretty clever and experienced people who are more than willing to share their knowledge, and not-so-gently push you along.

What’s more you’ll get loads of extra stuff, including free access to my new Look Over My Shoulder programme, and loads more shit I can’t even bring to mind at the moment.

Candidly, if you really think I’m one of those slimy, greedy, unscrupulous and incompetent guru-scumbags and Sarah’s words haven’t given you that warm and squishy feeling in your underpants, then maybe you’d be better off unsubscribing and having nothing more to do with me.

But if anything I’ve said has helped you or given you that metaphorical kick up the arse… then maybe you’d do well just to give my Inner Circle a try, eh?

Listen…

You don't even have to go to the website

You can simply click the link below and it’ll forward you straight to Paypal’s magic secure servers where you can set your subscription up with no hassle:

http://www.businesssupremacy.ie/join-me-now

And if for some unlikely reason you don’t like it, for any reason or no reason at all, you can cancel at any time. No minimum subscription, no minimum term.

Life’s too short to keep you doing something you don’t wanna do.

So here’s the super-simple NO risk “join me now” link:

http://www.businesssupremacy.ie/join-me-now

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Every now and then I get an email from some Moaning Minnie or other complaining about the fact I don’t give him enough “meat” in my free email tips.

Hmmm.

Methinks they’re actually a bit slow on the uptake and are the kind of people who really wants a mollycoddling rather than educating, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

So, today, here’s a tip I gave to my Inner Circle yesterday. Here it is — the whole thing, naked, unabridged, undiluted and uncensored.

Just a bit of context: the fellow asking the question is pondering the wisdom of dropping $5,500 on a six-month stint with a “business coach” because he’s just not getting round to implementing the marketing stuff he’s currently getting from the guy.

The idea is the “one on one” coaching will make him get his arse into gear.

Here’s my answer:

The price itself isn’t the issue, in my book. I’ve paid someone $6,000 for 3 hours phone time (and used only one hour of it), and it paid for itself more than 3 times over inside 21 days.

But that was because I took action. And to my way of thinking, that’s what you’re lacking: action. Certainly as a part of this group and then a part of the other group, you ain’t short on knowing.

You’re short on DOING.

So here’s an idea:

  1. Write out a plan and post it here. There are over 60 very smart people here to help you with every possible aspect of your marketing you can imagine.
  2. Then write a cheque for €1,000 to your LEAST favourite politician’s campaign and send it to me.
  3. I’ll keep it for 6 months and if you haven’t stuck to the plan, I’ll send it to them; if you have, I’ll send it back to you.

That way, if you don’t stick to your plan, you’ll lose only €1,000. But if you DO stick to it, it won’t have cost you a penny, let alone $5,500.

No kidding: the thought of your public commitment to this group AND that €1,000 going to someone you don’t like will spur you on like nothing else.

Now, this is a tip you can take straight to the bank.

Just one important thing, though: the beneficiary of the cheque has GOT to be someone or some cause you really can’t stand, and you’ll do well to make the deal very public.

So, why does it work?

Because most of us can drop $5,500 on a “guru” or a progamme, do nothing and then justify it in some way.

We’ve probably all done it. I have, I know.

But none of us could easily stomach (very publicly) giving €1,000 to some person or cause we revile. As a species, we HATE to look foolish (apparently the only punishment the Eskimos had for theft and other crimes was for the whole tribe to point at the perp and just.… laugh at him).

And here’s the thing: if you’re procrastinating, prevaricating and dilly-dallying and not getting round to implementation, implementation, implementation, and yet you resist putting this tip to work for you right now… then the reason is you KNOW you’re simply not going to “do the doings”… which in turn should also tell you the $5,500 option is almost certainly going to be a big waste of money.

And $5,500 will get you over 7 years’ membership of my Inner Circle, just for a bit of perspective.

Of course, you might not like my answer.

I mean, I’m not showing a lot of empathy or tree-huggery.

Maybe you’d prefer it if I drew some fancy charts and did some NLP jigger-pokery to validate your feelings and find out if you were bullied by your neighbour’s chinchilla as a child.

But that’s my style, and while it’s what the Inner Circle love me for, it ain’t to everyone’s taste, to be sure.

You either love the Evil Bald Genius or you hate him (and there are two kinds of people in the world: people who love me, and people with poor taste)

Hey, no worries, though: if I’m not to your taste, then there are loads of greedy, unscrupulous and incompetent (to quote another member) “gurus” out there who’ll tell you what you want to hear… just so long as you keep handing over your dough.

But if you like a bit of “tough love” and straight talk, then Baldy’s yer man.

So grab my free tips.

Do it now.

You know you want to.

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What rampaging bullocks in your garden can teach you about business

January 10, 2012

Oné of the most surreal things you can ever see out of your office window is a man chasing bullocks around your garden. I speak from experience, because that’s exactly what happened on Saturday. There I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business and herd of bullocks goes charging past my window, closely […]

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Advertising Agency Shenanigans (don't trust the bastards)

October 5, 2011

The advertising agency business is one big fat scam. I’m not just talking about the “brand aware” wide-boys and Sloanes in the chrome and smoked-glass offices, but the reps in all the marketing and advertising departments in all the media publications out there. In all my years of marketing I haven’t met one I’d trust […]

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Not Quite the Marketing Monster I'm Made Out to Be

October 4, 2011
marketing monster jon

Responsibility, fear and excuses. I reckon that’s about it. It sums up my attitude to life and the whiners I come up against pretty well and encompasses all the things I think wrong with society today. You’re probably wondering what the hell I’m on about now, so I’ll tell you. I got an email from […]

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Why the Majority Is Always Wrong

October 3, 2011

Earl Nightingale once said, “If in you’re in a situation and you don’t have any clear way forward and want for clear advice, look around and see what everyone else is doing and do the opposite”. Earl Nightingale was the dog’s. I still find it staggering people genuinely seem to believe they’ll get different results […]

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Marketing Smoke, Mirrors and Snake Oil

October 1, 2011
marketing shark image

There’s an ancient Chinese saying, “May you live in interesting times”. As much a curse as anything. And it seems the curse is upon us because as I predicted long ago, the economy this side of the Pond has gone well and truly belly up and is destined to sink to the bottom. Don’t you […]

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Why I was in London with nothing to sell

September 23, 2011
penguin image

A good question: why was I presenting at the Internet Marketing seminar in London when I wasn’t selling anything? Was it the speaker’s fee? Nope. A fee big enough to cover the three days out of the office the whole thing entailed would be infeasible. Believe me, I didn’t do it for the money. To […]

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Why I Don't Have Any Competitors (King Jon the Cheerful)

September 22, 2011
King Jon the Cheerful image

Not real ones, and for reasons I’ve explained before and can quickly sum up by saying… no one does what I do in quite the way I do it, so how can anyone compete with me? But early this week I was in London, presenting a couple of slots at Chris Cardell’s Internet Marketing Mastery […]

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Market Positioning - Why You Shouldn't Care if They Hate You

September 16, 2011
Thumbnail image for Market Positioning - Why You Shouldn't Care if They Hate You

Market positioning was the topic of an email sent to my list the other day. It about a drunken whore in the gutter. It wasn’t gratuitous filth. In fact, it wasn’t filth at all, and it contained an important market positioning message for anyone with the wherewithal to look for it. But that’s the point: […]

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Direct Mail for Small Business

September 7, 2011

So, direct mail doesn’t make money for small businesses. And believe it or not, it’s a sentiment I’ve seen expressed by many a business owner who really ought to know better. But the experience of my clients is… Direct Mail Marketing Is VERY Effective In fact, direct mail advertising and marketing are tremendously effective, with […]

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Internet Marketing for Small Business

September 6, 2011

Small business owners find Internet marketing something of a two-edged sword. On the one hand it’s quick, relatively easy, and getting cheaper all the time; but on the other hand… Internet marketing simply isn’t working for most businesses in Ireland. The temptation is, of course, to blame “the economy” or some other external factor you […]

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Irish Business and the Crash, Bang, Wallop of the Double Dip Recession

August 8, 2011
Thumbnail image for Irish Business and the Crash, Bang, Wallop of the Double Dip Recession

If you thought double-dip was something you did with ice-cream… you’re about to have a rude awakening.

No doubt about it… things are pretty bad, are they not?

But the real questions have to be:

1. How bad is it going to be?
2. How bad is it going to be for me?

The first, we can’t answer, and can’t control.

So you may as well stop worrying about it right now. It won’t help and will just leave you feeling like crap.

But the second?

Well…

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Facebook Advertising Costs and How to Make It Pay

August 7, 2011
Thumbnail image for Facebook Advertising Costs and How to Make It Pay

Facebook advertising costs a fortune! That's the common refrain. They say the same about Google Adwords and other Pay Per Click services, too. But there are several things wrong with this view…

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Copywriting - Busting the Myth

August 5, 2011
copywriting compulsion from Darth Vader

Copywriting. The Dark Art. The powerful and faintly sinister air cultivated by stern-faced men with dark glasses. To listen to them, you’d be forgiven for believing they could hypnotise you into killing and eating your own dog if you so much as glance at a single word of their “killer copy” And, of course, it’s […]

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Irish Business in the Wheelbarrow

August 5, 2011
Thumbnail image for Irish Business in the Wheelbarrow

The cockles of my heart found themselves being firmly warmed this morning, when I read this great article on the Irish Independent website. It is indeed a rare thing for a customer or client to want to climb into the proverbial wheelbarrow (read the article!). And coincidentally, someone told me yesterday how in true Get […]

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Irish Business: Think or Thwim

August 4, 2011
irish business goldmine

Irish business is steeped in bad news… and it’s all we hear. There’s a reason for that, and it’s really to do with how we’ve evolved — we’re hard-wired to notice and pay attention to things able to cause us harm. A never-changing environment is generally safe, assuming it’s not killed you. But, putting that […]

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Beware Crap Website Designers

August 3, 2011
Thumbnail image for Beware Crap Website Designers

In the main… website designers don’t have a clue. Not even the beginnings of one. In fact, they are so bereft of clues and so far removed from ever having encountered one, many of them wouldn’t recognise a genuine clue if it jumped up and sank its teeth into their genitals and hung there tugging, […]

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Email Marketing Systems and Why They're SO Profitable

May 2, 2011
Email Marketing Systems

Email marketing systems can easily increase your conversion percentage from perhaps 1% or 2% way up to 10%, 15% and even more. That’s not chump change. And why are they so effective? Because… Email marketing systems sell over time… And take the pressure out of buying for your site visitor. Consider: a typical online sales […]

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Ask Baldy (is he really off to the wedding?)

April 29, 2011
Thumbnail image for Ask Baldy (is he really off to the wedding?)

Just in case you were one of the people who asked… no, I won’t be going to the Royal Wedding today, even though I did receive an invitation. I won’t even be watching it on the T.V. I mean, come on… we’re in the 21st Century and we still have a privileged family lording it […]

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