Read this BEFORE applying!

"There are very few of your business problems you and I can't solve together with great direct response marketing and strong, persuasive copy"

I know, you’re looking for a copywriter and you might be itching to send an enthusiastic email to a shortlist of a half dozen or so asking for their “bid” on your project.

That’s cool. But before you think about contacting me about your project please read this page very carefully. It’s not hype or “positioning” – it’s here to save us both time and energy.

  • Some jobs I simply won’t do. I don’t work for religious organisations, homeopaths, “Law of Attraction” success peddlers, or anyone selling dubious crap which can’t be substantiated with science. The world is full of cheats and charlatans, shamefully many from my own industry who promise they can “compel” people to buy with their copy (they can’t, and they’re lying to you). However, I am not one of them. I run an ethical business and work only with ethical people.
  • If you’re looking for “bidders”, leave me off the list. I’m not interested in bidding against other copywriters or trying to match their price (I really don’t care if there is a recession on — my fees are as high now as they’ve ever been).
  • Don’t ask for my “best price” or ask if my fees are “negotiable”. My best price is a hell of a lot higher than the one I’ve quoted you, and the only way my fees are going to be negotiated is upwards. If you have to ask the “price” of what I’m doing, you don’t really understand what I do and the benefits it has to you. And frankly, you ought not be hiring anyone while you have this lack of understanding.
  • I don’t ever do work “on spec” or get involved in your “impossible-to-fail” project in return for a percentage of the fees. Don’t fool yourself or insult my intelligence. Projects like this almost never make any money. If you’re that sure it’s a winner here’s what you do: you raise a loan, or remortgage your house and pay my full fee upfront. If you’re not prepared to do that, then you’re obviously not as sure as you thought you were.
  • I don’t give free advice. I give a free 15-minute consultation on the phone to client applicants whose projects seem interesting. But I won’t be telling you how to fix your marketing and stuff to “prove” myself. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone – if you disagree, then go elsewhere.
  • I don’t send out samples to anyone except paying clients. Frankly, if you’re qualified to judge my work, you’d not be asking me to write for you. This is occasionally incorrect, as my biggest clients are marketers in their own right. But unless you’re truly a world-class marketer, there’s no point in sending you samples so you can see if you like my work. Ultimately it comes down to results, and little else counts.
  • I don’t cut my fees just because you promise you have “loads of projects in the future if this works out OK”. In that case, you’ll pay my full fee and I’ll perhaps adjust it after the fact if all these super-duper projects materialise.
  • You have two options when paying my fees. You can either pay upfront and enjoy a 20% discount, or you can pay a 30% deposit upfront and the remaining 70% on delivery. That means, for example, you can get a €10,000 project for €8,000 by paying the fee upfront. Otherwise you’d pay a €3,000 deposit and the €7,000 balance on delivery.
  • Finally, I am not your “hired help”. I’m a busy pro copywriter. When we arrange a phone call at 10:00am, then that’s when it starts. If it doesn’t, then we reschedule it. I’ll bust a gut and go way beyond anything you’d believe to make your project a success. But treat me with respect, please.

So, assuming all that hasn’t put you off and left you thinking I’m in league with the Devil or whatever, feel free to contact me here about your project.

Either Sarah, my assistant, or I will get back to you within 24 business hours with a couple of times for us to schedule a free 15-minute phone call.

Thanks,

Jon McCulloch

“The Grumpy Old Man of Copywriting”

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